Hitman: Agent 47

Much like Pixels, the Adam Sandler vehicle from earlier this summer, Hitman: Agent 47 is yet another mediocre and unnecessary video game film that shows why gamers can’t have nice things.

A reboot/sequel to the original Hitman movie from 2007, Hitman: Agent 47 is yet again based on the popular video game franchise that allows players to cleverly use their surroundings to brutal effect or, if they so choose, to stealthily infiltrate an enemy stronghold to complete various assassination contracts. The movie version doesn’t really stray too far from this formula which acts as both a terrible move as well as an odd saving grace.

As for story material, the filmmakers tried to run with the idea that these Agents, being genetically superior in every way and all, are being targeted by a shady organization called The Syndicate who want to use and replicate them for their own nefarious purposes. In the film, our titular character Agent 47 (Rupert Friend) is joined by Katia (Hannah Ware), the daughter of the creator of the Agent Program, to try and stop The Syndicate from doing bad things, since that’s what shady organizations named The Syndicate do. To further muddle the story, there’s a character named John Smith (every other name was taken apparently) played by Zachary Quinto who acts as a confidant to Katia only to be revealed to be one of The Syndicate’s enforcers in a twist that nobody even tries to hide, so your welcome for saving you the trouble from coming to the same conclusion five minutes into the film.

Practically everything about this movie is downright awful. The story is non-existent and the acting is film school worthy. Rupert Friend is fine as Agent 47…as long as he doesn’t speak because once he does, the dialogue is so goddamn terrible I almost wished that someone would put a bullet in him just to save us from any more torment. Outside of speaking, however, Friend brings the proper gravitas to the ruthless and emotionless assassin role, but unfortunately that doesn’t cut it here, not by a long shot.

Our female lead, Katia, is treated no better. Her character is formed and molded and put in the film solely to serve the story as opposed to the other way around. Everything revolves around her and her father but none of it really matters because it’s pretty clear that Katia is just there to be someone for Agent 47 to shoot bullets with. She has a few cool scenes as she finds out more about her abilities and deals with 47 but that really has nothing to do with her character and more with putting something interesting onscreen.

As for Zachary Quinto, what an abysmal role he’s phoned in here. Maybe it’s just me but his acting in this film is so bad that it’s obvious the second he’s onscreen that he’s a bad guy which annoys me because Katia, the character who he’s trying to play, has no clue. How stupid and dumb can a person be? If his character has any saving graces I will say the sub-dermal armor enhancements he’s revealed to have in the middle of the film is pretty badass but I digress, his character sucked no matter which way you cut it.

Now, some positive things about the movie: the action scenes. Yes they’re cheesy, yes they employ bad CGI from time to time and yes they are outlandish and unrealistic and video game-y but that’s the point! It’s a movie based on a video game and this is where the film does some sort of justice to its source material.

Each set piece is so much like the game that I smiled every time Agent 47 knocked out a guard, switched clothes, and walked through high security areas with nary a glance his way. It was so fluid and easy for 47 that I couldn’t help but remember doing the same thing in game and loving every second of it. That coupled with the truly cringe worthy deaths that 47 so effortlessly pulls off as he uses his very video game-like “abilities” is so Hitman that I just wish the filmmakers knew their strengths and covered the movie with action set pieces instead of trying to make an actual film out of the idea. There is no idea people; the game is about an assassin assassinating people…no one buys it for the gripping story and character development. This is why the Resident Evil movies are so successful; they embrace their source material and do nothing more, nothing less and satisfy most people in the process.

On another interesting note, I totally appreciate the first half of the film trying to portray 47 as the villain of the movie but what I didn’t appreciate was the fact that it was actually just a really, really bad version of The Terminator. Nice try but no thanks, guys, I’ll take me some T-800’s over generic super soldiers any day.

In the end, Hitman: Agent 47 tries its best to toe touch into the vast emptiness of the video game movie pool but does little more than drown under its own stupidity with no lives left to respawn with.